She ran as fast as her six year old legs would carry her, down the driveway her grandparent's house and into the backyard. Once she tripped over an untied shoelace, fell and scuffed her knee. Not giving it a second thought, she picked herself up, brushed the tiny pebbles from her knee, and continued making a b-line for her place of solitude. Stopping just short of the entrance, she paused, took a deep breath and entered her world.
Her world was only an overgrown grapevine, long since void of any maintenance, and the fox grapes it once produced were only a memory. But to her it was a magical kingdom. Its gnarled ceiling contained wisdom, and the grape-leaved wallpaper resonated the warmth of hope. Just four foot high, and barely able to accommodate a step stool, somehow imagination stretched it spacious enough to house all the imaginary creatures she would entertain.
As she took a seat on the her crusty, vined throne, she titled her head to face the ribbons of sunlight streaming through the twisted cells of the old grapevine. Just being under its roof made her feel safe, as if in a womb-like state. Nothing could touch her there. Nothing could interfere with the fairy tale world she created for herself within the gentle confines of her tangled palace
Strange that she would find peace in such a place, but wherever one finds it; they must and she did.
6 comments:
1st sentence, instead of "down the driveway (of) her grandparent's house," try "down her grandparent's driveway," Keep the story moving. Omit needless words.
2d sentence, lose the word "once".
She tripped...
Does it hurt yet? I'd be happy to crit your work. Email me a few pages. (Damned arrogant of me to assume I'm one of those brilliant writers you were talking about on your last post, huh?)
I think you're probably a very good writer, and I like what you've got here. I should warn you, I'm not gentle with my critiques. I don't think it helps anyone to only hear, "I like this," or "You're very good."
If you're interested, I'll tell you what I think will improve your story, but it's up to you to decide what you want to do.
I'd be interested in how Mark critiques this too. His offer is quite generous, so take him up on it.
By the way, the first time I got a critique, I didn't know what to expect. The critiquer, a talented playwright and television writer, started just the way I did on your story. I hated him. I hated myself. I hated my story. I couldn't breathe.
I didn't realize he loved my book, and wanted to help me get it published. I thought he hated it, and thought I was a hack.
I love your story. It has a lyrical quality that resembles poetry. I know it hurts to read my criticism, but your writing is worth the pain. You are good. With work, maybe you can be great.
Mark--I know I have a tendency to be verbose. CHECK!
"Does it hurt yet?"
Ouch! Thank you sir may I have another. Ha! I embrace criticism. I bath in its punshment. lol No, I take it in the spirit of which it was given.
I've been plugging my songs for three years now, well actually my song plugger has. So you see I'm no stranger to rejection and critisicm, constructive or otherwise. It's not that I've had a lot of critisism, I've had mostly praise. But,I know it's par for the course. I've had artists tell me they love my songs, but they just weren't right for their upcoming album. It doesn't ruffle my feathers...I keep plugging along. Pardon the pun. :)
"Damned arrogant of me to assume I'm one of those brilliant writers you were talking about on your last post."
Yes, it was damned arrogant of you. hehe! ;p But your assumption was spot on. In that post I was referring to you, Scott, Zombie, and Valinnin. I haven't really read any of McFox's or HH's work, they are highly intelligent and beautiful people and I enjoy their blogs immensly, all the same.
Again, thanks for the offer of critiqueing my writing, I believe I'll take you up on it. Just give me a little time to get things in order, I just moved and everything is still is disarray.
Take care. :)
Ahhhh haha, Mark you were posting at the same time as me, who'd of thunk it?! ROTLMAO.
Mark--Regarding your last post. I'm not mad at you...I respect you. :)
Scott--I will. Thanks a bunch my friend for being so encouraging, even when you don't feel like it. That means a lot to me. :)
To all my bloggy friends:
I can no longer maintain two ISP's, it's too costly. Therefore, my email addy has changed once again to the following:
mdrboo@earthlink.net
stop by and visit, I'll leave the light on fer ya. :)
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